spacer
    December 25, 2009 Satire That Fits Your Lifestyle America's Coarsest News Source    
Confusion Road logo spacer spacer
spacer
May 2nd, 2009

It's Time To Put My Five-State Killing Spree Behind Us

By John Bentley Clarkson, Escaped Felon

John Bentley Clarkson
John Bentley Clarkson
I believe in looking to the future rather than dwelling on the mistakes of the past. What's done can't be undone, but the future hangs by the slender thread of the choices we make today.

That's why it's time to put my five-state killing spree behind us.

I believe strongly in transparency and accountability. So I admit that the past few months have been a dark and painful chapter in my history. In that time, I have killed ten men, two women and one child in various parts of Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, Alabama, and somehow, Oregon. I committed these crimes using a shotgun, a machete, and my own bare hands.

I have now put an end to these harsh practices. I haven't killed anyone in over thirty days, and I have made a solemn vow not to do it again. I've established a new identity (which I will not reveal) in a small town (which I will not name). Now that I have transportation of my own, I will never again need to hack a man's arms off and steal his Ford F150. Since I have a steady job, I will never again be forced to strangle a young woman walking home from a bar on Friday night and take her diamond engagement ring.

As you can see, I have taken steps to ensure that the actions I've just described will never take place again. But some people would prefer to spend their time and energy laying blame for the past, rather than moving forward.

I am now sought by federal, state and local authorities throughout the nation. I've been placed on some kind of "most wanted" list and may even be the subject of a sensationalist television program. At a time when we need to focus on the problems of today, people are wasting a great deal of effort in pursuing me for these historical actions.

This is a time for reflection, not retribution. Will dragging me through the court system bring back any of the thirteen dead people? Or will it only reopen the old wounds of grieving family members trying desperately to heal?

By punishing me, you're also taking away my ability to give back to the community. I've finally started to turn my life around and become a productive citizen. What good will be accomplished by throwing me back in prison?

All those policemen, detectives and bloodhounds could do their communities a whole lot more good if they spent more time thinking about the future. If they weren't wasting their time in a futile effort to undo my past crimes, how many future crimes could they prevent?

I respect the strong views and emotions that these issues evoke. But in these tough economic times, we have enough problems to face without also dredging up the mistakes of the past.

We live in a time of great challenges and disturbing disunity. In this challenging time, we need to look forward, as opposed to looking backwards. That is why we must resist the forces that divide us, and instead come together on behalf of our common future.



John Bentley Clarkson, also known as the Friday Night Strangler, is an ex-convict, strangler, and regular contributor to Confusion Road.

Share/Save/Bookmark

separator