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August 13th, 2004
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Dick Cheney Dies, Denies Dying |
Vice-President Moves On To That Great Undisclosed Location In The Sky
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Pre-Obituaries - Vice-President Dick Cheney died of a heart attack yesterday at age 63. A few hours later, a defiant but pallid-looking Cheney called an impromptu press conference vigorously denying his demise.
"I am absolutely not dead. I am not even particularly tired," Cheney quipped, drawing chuckles from reporters gathered at the city morgue in Washington, D.C. "These absurd rumors are being spread by certain left-wing elements in the media to undermine the President's reelection campaign and distract the nation from the war on terror."
President Bush spoke out in support of the Vice-President. "The report of Dick Cheney's death was an exaggeration," he joked, paraphrasing Mark Twain. "He may be a little somber at times, but he's still kickin.'"
Despite Cheney's death, Bush vowed to keep the Vice-President on the Republican ticket for the November election. "First of all, even if he were dead, Dick Cheney would still be the best man for the job," he said. "Second, I spoke to Dick a few hours ago at the Stewart Funeral Home, and he assures me that he is very much alive. I've always known Dick Cheney to be true to his word. I'd trust him a lot more than I'd trust some silly coroner."
"Now watch this drive," he added.
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| "I've always known Dick Cheney to be true to his word. I'd trust him a lot more than I'd trust some silly coroner." |
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Cheney remained steadfast while enduring rigor mortis, the early stages of decomposition, and withering criticism. "I will not allow the slanderous words of the Democrats to interfere with my ability to support the President in making the world safer," Cheney said, speaking from a freshly dug grave site at Rutherford Cemetery in his hometown of Casper, Wyoming. "If they're going to keep on repeating this allegation, they're going to have to prove it. Produce a death certificate or something."
Mysteriously, the Washington, D.C. coroner's office reported that all of its mortuary records for the past week had been lost due to "administrative error."
Speaking through an intermediary, the Vice-President denied that his death was in any way related to a $76 billion no-bid contract awarded to Halliburton for unspecified "mortuary services." Cheney instead claimed that the contract was for burials for soldiers killed in action in Iraq and Afghanistan. He did not explain why an additional $76 billion was required for military funerals, which are already funded by the Defense Department. "This is another example of a desperate bid by the Democrats to gain points using smear tactics and negative campaigning," said Cheney's spokesman, psychic Juan Engaño. "But they are really only undermining the war effort and helping the terrorists."
Meanwhile, President Bush returned to the White House, reportedly with a Ouija board tucked under his arm.
This is not a real obituary, but a preliminary one prepared by Confusion Road to be used in the event of the Vice-President's death. Dick Cheney is not dead and probably never will be.
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